Leading Emotions

Being a parent is one of the best sources for teaching me why leadership matters.  A few nights ago, my wife and I experienced what every parent does.  A meltdown that comes in like a tornado.  I had made dinner for us and we were sitting down to eat and watch a movie that we have seen a hundred times before. 

This is when my oldest decided she was going to get up and do a craft.  She popped up, grabbed a piece of foam from a box we had delivered the day before and headed to the drawer for her supplies.  As she was digging in the drawer for a marker and scissors, I told her to come and eat first.  She stayed and still looked for her supplies.  A couple of more gentle pushes for her to come and eat led to me telling her to come and sit down.

The tornado landed.  She screamed, "I don’t want to eat".  She sat on the oversized seat and began her tantrum.  My wife asked, baby, what is going on.  To which she responded, by screaming and walking away.  We have a no walking away rule when we are talking to them.  So, I jumped up and took her hand to guide her back to the couch.  She clenched her teeth, kicked her feet, and screamed some more. 

We tried to talk to her to no avail.  So, we gave her some time to try and regulate herself.  It wasn't happening.  She was doubling down.  I was getting close to hitting my point where "Dad Mode" was going to swoop in and "control the situation".  But I didn't.

This isn't a typical reaction that she has.  What I did instead was go and sit with her.  I looked her in the face as she was still kicking.  I didn't say a word but gave her a few moments to let her know I wasn't going anywhere.  She started to get a little calmer.  That's when I asked her, in a very low and calm voice, "are you calming down".  She quietly said "yes".  I then wrapped my arms around her and held her tightly.  Her breathing got slower.  I wiped the tears off of her face.  I then asked, "are you tired baby?"  She said "yes".  I then asked her, "are you still hungry?  She said, "yes". 

So I told her I would hold her for another minute and then take her to her plate.

That was it. 

Am I a super dad?  Ha, nope.  I have missed the mark many times before and reacted poorly instead. 

I knew she was tired.  She wasn't really upset about not being able to do the craft.  That was the "thing" that triggered her for whatever reason. 

Here is the reason I bring this up.  As I reflect on this, I saw a person who had a lot of emotions going on inside and literally could not regulate themselves.

As adults, we are expected to control our reactions, especially in professional environments.  But that doesn't always happen the way we want it to happen.  In some cases, we don't even recognize that we are reacting atypically because of the mental load we are carrying. 

In that moment, I saw the storm that she was going through and took the moment to be present with her instead of reacting to her actions.

I want to meet people where they are in that moment.  Sometimes it's messy.